Matching Behaviors with Intentions

In his book “The 8 Basic Elements to Greater Happiness, Health & Productivity,” David Vittoria offers insight that hit me like air conditioning at a Miami restaurant. It was brisk, refreshing, and also a bit jarring.

“Remember that while you are aware of your intentions, the world around you only knows you by your actions.”

This reminded me of a time in college, when five of us were happily on our way from Birmingham, AL to enjoy spring break in Fort Walton Beach, FL. To our surprise, the 15 year old Ford Bronco that my friend was hauling us in broke down in a rural area of LA (Lower Alabama) - LA is the reverent name southerners have for the panhandle of Florida that runs due south of Alabama. You remember those years, don’t you? Not a care in the world, and it was unfathomable that a vehicle with who knows how many miles would give us any trouble. Luckily, there was a service station just down the road. Four of us pushed and one steered as we navigated the mile or so to the station. The Bronco’s owner spoke with the mechanic while the rest of us looked on.

I remember what happened next like it was recorded in HD. I still can play it back in my mind with precision.

I’ve always used humor as a way to diffuse tension and worry. As the four of us watched on, our fifth companion walked away from the mechanic back toward our group. In my mind, it was time to lighten the mood. Since all of us were looking at the truck, I quipped “Maybe if we look at it hard enough, it will fix itself.” All of my friends gave a chuckle in response to my comment. At the same time, the mechanic turned his head and met my eyes. His piercing glare was enough to know he had not interpreted my words as they had been intended. He slowly turned back to the task at hand. I wasn’t sure what I had done, but I was confident that he didn’t like it, or me. I felt as though my heart had settled somewhere south of my lungs.

We drove away several hours later and hundreds of dollars poorer. As we continued our journey, I found out the reason the mechanic didn’t appreciate my comment. As my friend paid the bill, the man shared that he thought I had asked if he was just going to look at it or actually fix it.

Think about how simple that misunderstanding truly was. My intentions were to make light of a troubling situation and poke a little fun at ourselves, due to our uselessness. I considered only one potential perspective when I acted on my intentions. My intentions and my actions were not fully aligned. I hadn’t considered the entire environment, only the one closest to me. I hadn’t considered how my actions may be interpreted by all of those around me.

The challenge is that we are not only dealing with our actions but also managing people’s perceptions of our behaviors. As in my story, our words are only one part of our actions. The situation, environment and tone, among other factors, are equally important in ensuring our actions and behaviors align with our intentions.

While in the grand scheme of things this wasn’t a severe situation, it was life changing for me. As I continue to develop as a leader, HR professional and, more importantly, as a person, I am relentless in reviewing my actions and behaviors. Do they align with my intentions?

In “Turtles All the Way Down,” John Grinder and Judith DeLozier introduced a concept known as “perceptual positions.” From this evolved a technique of using self, other and observer positions. I frequently use this seemingly simple mental exercise to help align my actions and intentions.

• Self is what you see, hear and feel from your own perspective. You are aware of your own thoughts and what’s important to you.

• Other position is what you are imagining the situation would be like if you were the other person. You take into account how an event or communication would look, feel and sound from the perspective of any other person involved. You think of what may be of value or important to them and see yourself from that perspective.

• Observer position refers to the “fly on the wall” mindset. What would this look and sound like from an objective perspective, without any emotional ties to the situation?

Had I used this technique in my situation with the mechanic, I would likely have been more focused on the potential misalignment of my actions and intentions. Had I thought about how my actions would impact all of those around me, I may have been able to avoid the misinterpretation of my words. I discovered this method a few years later. I strive to use it in every interaction I now have and find it very beneficial. As with most things, the more you practice using this tool, the more natural it becomes.